Tag Archive: blog


Death’s door

Last one through holds the door.

When Mrs. Jones had said it, it had made perfect sense. She hadn’t elaborated and honestly she made it seem like the logic was unquestionable. To be fair, she was in a hurry. Her kids had been sick, not so long ago, and she was in a rush to get to them. Still, it would have been nice if she had offered a little clarification.

See our town was small. Small even by local standards. It sat just north of an old oxbow bend in the river that long ago had shrunken from lake to pond. When the lake had started drying up so had the towns life blood. If no one came to Bow Lake to grind wheat, then no one was around to fish trout, or buy a slice of pie.

Within five years Bow Lake had become so empty that when a stranger did turn up they were met with suspicion, not welcome. All they seemed to do was drag themselves to our town to die. Some carried scabies and other less curable maladies. One poor soul coughed themselves to death in the back row of the school house during a harvest moon. If we had been in the classroom instead of the fields perhaps he could have been helped.

In the fall of 1867 a fever swept through what was left of the town like wild fire. It laid waste to Bow Lake. The elderly fell first. Then the children. Finally, the doctor left, fearful for his family’s life. Empty houses and darkened doorsteps proclaimed the illness as winner.

It was all we could do to keep the dead from the living, but I stayed and helped where I could. Even after mother sent Susie to Aunt Loraine’s.

Reverend Thompson blessed ground to expand the graveyard, but there wasn’t even time to complete the fence before it was in use. Dutifully I fed and held the hands of those who remained. Till it was my turn to hold on as long as I could. Just wishing for the pain to stop. For “this too shall pass” to be made real, but my wishes were as useless as any of my other efforts. If I try, I can remember hands hotter than my fever tending to me. The moaning sounds of the dying around me in the half light.

The next day, as I watched with an unexpected level of detachment, they laid me upon the burying grounds but not in them, everyone was too sick by then. After that the only people who even got close to the the cemetery were the ones who dragged themselves as close as they could before collapsing. In hopes the hallowed ground would grant them sanctuary. I always assumed.

I watched… Those poor souls did not linger long. I tried to pull them through the unfinished gate. To give them the words that Mrs. Jones gave me, but it never worked. I even tried to roam into the town during the daylight hours and tempt the dying to follow me, but it was a doomed attempt. The few who could move never saw me, and those who saw me never moved again.

I waited… The town withered away to nothing. No gravedigger came for the fallen and no one from the relay station checked on the suddenly silent telegraph line. It was as if Bow Lake had fallen off the map and not a single interested party asked why. The weeks trudged by till I lost count of the years. Still no one came to claim the ruined town for their own. Even once the evidence of the fever was ground down, by time and nature, into tainted soil no one put down roots.

I held the door… At first with all of the impatience of a person listening from the next room. I could imagine the joys on the other side of Death’s door, but I could never know if my loved ones waited for my tardy arrival. Then with resignation as I accepted my fate of conscripted sentry. Nothing from that side slid out and nothing from our side wondered in. Now with anticipatory glee.

On a whim I walked out of the cemetery one night and into the woods. It took time for a shadow to start leaking out of the door. Longer still for it to emerge fully fledged, a deeper darkness with an outline changeable like a swarm of bees that moved with the sound of sharp shears cutting fabric. But what was that to me, I had time in spades.

Now for the first time in over a century I do not know what will happen next. I can hear someone in the north woods and I can see the shadow swarm slithering in that direction. Some small part of me still worries over my decision to abandon Death’s door, but the louder hungrier part of myself cannot wait to rip it off it’s hinges.

Image is from the billion graves blog (https://legacy-blog.billiongraves.com/rescuing-abandoned-cemeteries/)

“I toast my childhood. Upon the alter of youth I offered my trust and hope. An innocent heart that yearned for magic never understood.

I toast my adolescence. Upon the alter of desire I wished for love, willing to sacrifice anything. A stubborn attitude that I fire tempered to opalescence.

I toast my twenties. Upon the alter of pride I poured my blood, sweat, and tears. A willful mind hungry for knowledge and thirsty for opportunities.

I toast my thirties. Upon the alter of maturity I laid bare my devotions to family and future. An unbridled truth devoid of illusions or niceties.

Forty, do your worst. I made my offerings with sheer determination and the power of my convictions. Now, I wait to see what gifts the Fates have dispersed.”

His soliloquy done the man lifted his drink in the air and gave a slight nod in the direction of the clock before throwing back his double. The sound of his glass meeting the wooden table reverberated through the hushed room like a door slamming shut. Slowly the sound rolled back in and the bar went back to normal. Except for the fact that one-by-one each patron caught the man’s eye in acknowledgement.

Birthdays are hard for everyone I guess.

All rights to the owner of the image, who I thank for making available online.

Someone else

I took a long hard appraising look in the mirror. It’s not The Persistence of Memory I tell myself, but it’s different in a hundred tiny ways. Stray strands of white or god-help-me-grey snake through my hair. Fine lines and dark circles surround my eyes in an outline much less flattering than kohl. I am sure it’s me, but if I look away quickly enough it could be someone else.

A woman whose pinched expression cannot hide the dimples in her smile or the annoyance written across her brow.

If I squint I can almost see the person she set out to become. Satisfied. Impactful. Happy. I wonder what would make her laugh hard enough throw her head back and shed a joyful tear. I guess at what could give her pause, make her sit with a moment and let it grow. I theorize what might be her biggest regret. Wondering if she carries it on her sleeve or locked away in her heart.

I hope for that woman, the one who cannot be me.

I want her to know contentment and comfort… but she only smiles when someone is looking.

All rights to ShutterStock

Fragile truth

Trish held her truth by the tips of her fingers at arms length. It was the kind of truth that could not endure close analysis or bright light.

She had decided long ago that the fog of a half remembered dream was the only way she would let herself think about it. Clarity was a luxury she could not afford. So Trish stuck to the basics. Of course she had a home town, but she never used that name. Of course she had a family, but who needed to know about them. She just played the odds. Ten-to-one the pretty blonde only wants to talk about herself. Trish rarely lost.

It was the times when the truth found her unbidden that hit like a closed fist. A faint scent, a few notes from an old song, or even a tast could pull her backwards.

Which meant that Trish avoided a lot of places and activities. Sporting events were easy to skip who had the extra money for tickets anyway. Funerals were harder, but that uphill climb leveled off when she moved halfway across the country. Happy hours were the hardest to bow out on. To many workplace norms were associated with post-work commiseration, if you asked her. Bars were off limits though, unless she wanted to play “I can name that childhood trauma in three notes” just to get a little buzzed.

Dingy hole-in-the-wall dives were the worst. Stale toquilla soaked carpet, jukebox chart toppers, and the tang of desperation that flavored the smoky air were the hat trick of pain. No matter how many years had passed this combo could make her 12 and vulnerable again. Make heart race and eyes sting. So while refusing to participate in mandatory “voluntary” social interactions was tedious her sanity was worth it.

Trish felt the truth had mutated over the years. Gotten uglier with time. It was now her own portrait in the attic that mirrored the shade upon her soul. So she curled inward and worked harder to distance herself from it. Mr. Grey would have been proud of how well she kept her secret self, the true self, but every secret wants to be wants to be free.

For Trish all it took was a hot autumn day. With her meetings over for the day and the mercury hovering dangerously close to the 90F mark she took off her blazer. She remembered hanging it innocently off the back of her office chair. The keyhole at the back of her blouse was all it took. Jen in HR had noticed the scars and it just snowballed from there. By the time the first interview was complete Jen was insisting that the company call in Occupational therapy and the cops. Instead Trish handed in her resignation letter, effectively immediately.

The truth felt like a lie the way Trish kept it. As if hiding it in the dark had tarnished in such a way that sooty black smears were left on her whenever it was brought it into the light. Still it was hers… and no one was going to co-opt it or take it away.

He watches her, as he says the words, worried and visibly upset.

“I might have to leave.”

She crinkles her brow as she lays a hand on his arm, “Why? What’s going on?”

“I’m scared.”

Something close to pity flickers across her face, “What are you afraid of?”

“Do you promise you’re not going to die?”

Her hand falls back to her side as she takes a deep breath. “I’m not going to die. I’m healthy and there is no reason to assume that’s changed.” She meets his imploring stare, “I promise.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

She doesn’t even pause, “Of course not. I know you don’t want to hurt me.”

“You know I love you right, no matter what my head says?”

She smiles sadly and it doesn’t quite reach her eyes, “Of course I do. Do you know I love you?”

“I do.”

She watches him as wipes at his nose and goes quiet. She watches him for nearly a minute.

“I think you should hide the knives.”

The truth is I would rather not.

I would rather not be the maid, the butler, and the bank.

I would rather not be the difference between swam or sank.

I would rather not be the cure if it means I must have been the cause.

I would rather not be the measure of motion against your pause.

I would rather shine without worry of your tarnish.

I would rather act with impunity and without carnage.

I would rather be who I am without censor.

I would rather live my life without wanting more.

So the lie is I alway will.

Scream #2 Art Print by andreaslie

Painstakingly pinned words

I couldn’t quite make the letters stand up straight without losing them to the blurriness. The will was there beneath the exhaustion, but it was on its last leg. I poured myself a cup of caffeine and gave myself a quick pep talk.

No, of course I wouldn’t spill anything.

Yes, I will sleep as soon as I finish this thought.

This definitely cannot wait till tomorrow.

I woke up with an ache in my back sticky from where coffee and sugar has mixed with my painstakingly pinned words.

Dark day

I was in it. I felt empty, unloved, and tired. Just a hair’s breadth from the edge where I joyfully burn everything down then languish in the ashes. I needed an outlet. My books had betrayed me and my go to projects all seemed pointless. It was going to be food, drink, or ink tonight. If only I could drum up the energy to choose. I closed my eyes, daring life to take the cheap shot, while I counted to ten.

Food had arrived first in my muddled mind so I followed the rising noise towards the smell of deep fried sins. As luck would have it I was able to hit two birds with that particular stone. So I sipped at pitch black stout between slugs of sweet Jack while you placed my order. You smiled more than once, and it tore at me. I know I stared, but I didn’t have a reason to look away.

During dessert I had to blink away double vision, but it didn’t stop me from finding the pen in my bag. Letting myself fill napkin after napkin with wry and sardonic quips. Writing you was as cathartic as it was narcissistic. I couldn’t tell you what I wrote that night, so sure I would never see you again, but I would bet it was truth. Hard truths that make most people cringe.

I have no idea what you thought when I stumbled away from that bar. Would you read my words wrapped up in your tip? Did you know that your smile brightened my dark day? Even if you never read those words…

Thank you.

Your kind eyes and the sympathetic tilt of your head saved me last night.

There are days when everything exists behind rose colored glass, millions of moments strung together like sunlight. Those are the days that build sanity, but add links to the chains. The pops of color and flashes of light disorient and distract to perfection, creating Polaroid quality slices of life. The truth is stretched and twisted to make the filtered image that’s shared with the world. The reality is back breaking hard work and soul shattering compromise, but it is the half-truths which bind us.

The tears tasted clean after the blood. So she resisted the urge the wipe her face or control her sobs. Maybe this was nature’s way. Maybe we cried to heal ourselves, like so much sap running to seal over the gaping wound of a lost branch. She only realized the tears had stoped when she heard her own hiccuped breath breaking the silence. Cringing internally and struggling externally she tried to quiet herself.

“Take your medicine,” he’d said before it started. Maybe he’d known. Maybe he could sense the brokenness inside, and wanted to shore up the weakness one broken bone at a time.

The chill of the concrete floor was all encompassing. Tiny shuddering trimmers ran though her like lightning strikes. She was so cold without the warmth of her tears. Till his prone shape shifted upon the couch, breaking her internal focus. Smallness hadn’t been the answer an hour ago still she felt herself trying to draw inward. All of her went silent. The trembling stoped. Her breathing slowed. Time unwound itself in lazy circles.

His footsteps filled her ears till his hot breath on the curve of her shoulder drove out any other sensation.

“Ready for more?”

The question hit her harder than his hand had, and for a second despair leaked into her soul. Maybe when he pulled her upright something snapped. Maybe he either hadn’t heard or didn’t care, but the residue of his rough hand on her arm had left fire not ice. It surged through her veins causing her to flush and made her breathing ragged.

“That seems like a yes,” he jeered.

She met his eyes for a second before reacting. “It’s a no actually!” She punctuated her words with a sharp knee thrust before running for the door. Her bare feet slapped against the asphalt shredding more with each step. She only slowed down enough to throw herself into the first open door she could find.

She could feel everyone’s eyes on her judging and predatory. Maybe she’d run from the pan to the fire. Maybe it hadn’t been steal that clicked into place when he’d pulled her up to him. She walked as quickly as she could towards the bartender pulling at her clothes wishing she was better protected. His eyes moved in an up then down appraisal before they went dull and cold, the smile gone from his unshaven face.

“I…”

The small bells over the door rang, announcing the newest patron. She didn’t have to look to know what she’d find. Not a single pair of eyes would meet hers, and those looking her way held themselves in postures of disdain not concern. She froze like a deer in headlights as he cracked jokes at her expense while the bartender, an obvious acquaintance, laughed along.

The sound followed her into the night and haunted her every step. Each block she put between herself and the known danger seemed to put her a block closer to the unknown dangers lurking just out of sight. By the time she made it to the police office her feet throbbed in time with each side stabbing breath. Her progress was watched by the unblinking eyes of surveillance cameras and measured in dirty footprints by the age-worn police officer at the front desk. He waited for her to approach his counter never once offering assistance.

“I need to report a crime.”

He scoffed, lifted a phone, and requested assistance. Ignoring her completely he started to fill out paperwork. Each second he refused to acknowledge her and every line he scratched on to the form tore at her resolve. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe tears make you invisible, the salt slowly eroding anything of value till nothing remains.

“Jerry from The Stoop called awhile back,” he said while filling out page two of the form. “How’d you think this would play out? Drinking alone. Dressed like that. People shouldn’t be surprised when they get what they ask for.”

Frustration blazed down her spine. Shame flamed in her heart. Conviction seared through her veins. This time the tears wouldn’t sooth. These tears were gasoline, and she wasn’t going to stop till she burned the whole institution down.

Image as seen on WritersCafe.org