The dark engulfed her as she stepped off the front porch and descended the small stairway.  She made it to the waiting car without looking back, but once seated her eyes trained themselves on the house’s front window.  No one stirred within, she knew, but still she looked as if savoring the last sight of a loved one waving and shouting bon voyage.  The world swam in her fluttery eyes as she tried to blink back the tears.  Why waste them she thought knowing they would not be returned in the eyes she sought in the black glass which never appeared.

They stood within inches of each other a half cocked smile and a pair of over wide eyes a choked silence rising between them.  The words meant so much to her, but even then she tried to lock the emotion in rather than reaching across the short distance for an embrace.  The intensity of the moment reached its apex and slowly slipped away the crescendo of night sounds filling in pushing out the imagined privacy.  The words she might have said dried upon her lips leaving her hoping they had been written plainly on her face, though they lay unspoken.

She felt guilty in her happiness as she watched the small town of her childhood fill her rearview mirror, but the warmth in that last hug and the fear in those sudden tears lingered.  The unexpected rush of emotion had caught her unaware and left her with a lump in her throat.  How many times had she craved that emotion, needing proof that she was loved, or enough?  She could feel the silent but steady drop of her tears into her lap, but she did not stop because if she was honest there was little sadness, she was loved.

The fear held her tightly and the words would not come.  She had practiced hundreds of times, but now the time was here and real and she felt woefully unprepared.  What was the right moment to say the words you could never take back she wondered.  How does one start a conversation sure to end in tears?  She stood frozen behind the chair, unwilling to let the happiness of the perfectly everyday situation go, she stalls.  Trying to not let their eyes meet she focuses on the window, sunlight and green grass.  The first tear traces her false smile; this will hurt.

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