The waiting is… is hard to explain.

It feels as if I’m Alice falling down the rabbit’s hole only the clocks neither race forward or move defiantly backwards they hold fast calling out the hours though the hands never move.  Everything continues onward, but nothing changes.  Like a moment from an awful dream where no matter how hard you try you can never close the distance between you and what your outstretched hand reaches for.  That’s me and my holding pattern.

I’m often a day dreamer, one of those people who can be found quietly sitting in a corner staring out a window present but not fully there.  I fill my quite moments with creative planning of future events, next year’s Halloween costume, how the living room should look when the paint is dry and the couch has arrived, what my wedding will look like, the garden the backyard could become, but not anymore.

There I sit.  Not so young anymore, with brown hair that is currently tending toward red, dark eyes, and covered with dogs.  The light from the t.v. glows softly in the quite room, the glass door reflects the fading night, and my eyes though trained on the moving pictures opposite me are unfocused sleep has eluded me.  I use to think myself to sleep, elaborate picture books of my earliest remembered moments or a paint-by-number of the characters in the book I’m reading, not recently.  I fall to sleep as if struck dead no quiet moment first to fill my mind with images, just gone.

Now when I try to fill the silence with images hand-picked for that wonderful day, I can’t, they will not come.  No girlie oh’s or ah’s fill my internal dialogue just a blankness a sort of empty feeling.  So, I let my mind wander away focus on some other creative endeavor, but not the one I was hoping for not the one I was planning for.

A flash of light suggests that I am smiling at the television as the young couple is engaged before me in the falling snow as my never-ending night finally gives way to dawn.

A creative whisper from some corner of my mind perhaps my dear friend Adelaide forgot a line in that song of  hers because I believe that just from waiting around…a person can develop a loss of vision to accompany her cold, cough and la grippe.